Waiting and Wondering
Tonight I (Lori) had an emotional meltdown which has inspired me to write my first blog posting.
John and I were discussing attachment and bonding issues and how we might handle different situations. We expressed our hope that Maya is fortunate enough to be in foster care rather than an orphanage so that bonding with an individual is something she hopefully has experienced. Then the realization came that she might be laying in an orphanage crib alone without any stimulation. Just waiting to be fed so she can savor being held if only for a few minutes. I just broke down crying and have started again as I write this.
It is so weird to have such a strong love for a little person whose face I haven't even seen. I think some of our friends and family don't understand how emotional this is for John and I. Sometimes I'm amazed by how strong my feelings are. I feel like my emotions can't be validated because I don't have a physical picture of our daughter or have physical changes (like during pregnancy). It is frustrating to say the least. And if I get asked one more time by the Target clerk as I'm stocking up for Maya "Do you need a gift receipt with this purhcase?" I swear I'm going to grab the store PA and declare that "not all expectant mothers have a fat belly!" Of course the rational side of me knows the clerk is simply doing his or her job. I politely say "no thank you" but then have to mumble that my husband and I are adopting a baby in order to justify my purchase without the need for a gift receipt. As if the clerk really gives a hoot.....they just want to check me out and move on to the next person.
I feel what I imagine it is like being pregnant, only emotionally worse and for 15 months. At least in pregnancy I would feel as if our baby was protected by my body...I could feel her move or hiccup. I could listen to her heart beat. I would be comforted that she is safe in my womb.
Our baby IS out there and we just can't get to her. Who is comforting her? Is she tied to her crib? Is she getting enough to eat? Is someone holding her for more than an hour a day? The thoughts break my heart. The next 5 months until I see her face are going to be so hard. For now I can only wait and wonder.
Lori
John and I were discussing attachment and bonding issues and how we might handle different situations. We expressed our hope that Maya is fortunate enough to be in foster care rather than an orphanage so that bonding with an individual is something she hopefully has experienced. Then the realization came that she might be laying in an orphanage crib alone without any stimulation. Just waiting to be fed so she can savor being held if only for a few minutes. I just broke down crying and have started again as I write this.
It is so weird to have such a strong love for a little person whose face I haven't even seen. I think some of our friends and family don't understand how emotional this is for John and I. Sometimes I'm amazed by how strong my feelings are. I feel like my emotions can't be validated because I don't have a physical picture of our daughter or have physical changes (like during pregnancy). It is frustrating to say the least. And if I get asked one more time by the Target clerk as I'm stocking up for Maya "Do you need a gift receipt with this purhcase?" I swear I'm going to grab the store PA and declare that "not all expectant mothers have a fat belly!" Of course the rational side of me knows the clerk is simply doing his or her job. I politely say "no thank you" but then have to mumble that my husband and I are adopting a baby in order to justify my purchase without the need for a gift receipt. As if the clerk really gives a hoot.....they just want to check me out and move on to the next person.
I feel what I imagine it is like being pregnant, only emotionally worse and for 15 months. At least in pregnancy I would feel as if our baby was protected by my body...I could feel her move or hiccup. I could listen to her heart beat. I would be comforted that she is safe in my womb.
Our baby IS out there and we just can't get to her. Who is comforting her? Is she tied to her crib? Is she getting enough to eat? Is someone holding her for more than an hour a day? The thoughts break my heart. The next 5 months until I see her face are going to be so hard. For now I can only wait and wonder.
Lori
posted by at
10:12 PM
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