Holiday Blues
It's hard to believe that it has been over a year since John and I first attended an adoption seminar. We applied in early January knowing the waiting would be difficult. I had no idea how hard it would actually be. Time is flying but it is standing still too. Is that possible?
It is amazing how the waiting can prompt so many different emotions and actions. I'm currently not getting much sleep....feeling like I'm on a caffeine rush but reality tells me it's anxiety. Panic and excitement all rolled into one.
I've had an annoying eye twitch that comes and goes. It lasted for 3 weeks the first time around. Being a dental hygienist this puts me in quite the predicament. All my patients think I'm winking at them because I tend to blink my eye when it starts twitching. Lets just say this is provoking a lot of strange looks.
The holidays seem especially difficult. I really have no desire to decorate for Christmas. I just feel weird celebrating the holiday when our little Maya is somewhere out there without us. It doesn't feel right. And to make things worse things seem to be slowing a bit in the China adoption process. No one really knows why....just that it seems to be gradually taking longer. Imagine being pregnant for 9 months and then your doctor tells you it could be another 5 months. That's how I feel. Very discouraging!
When I tell people this I often get comments like "why don't you just adopt a baby in the states?" For those who aren't going through the adoption process I can only tell you that our hearts picked China. Not our minds. This time last year I was grieving over my inabilites to get pregnant. But then I met a little girl from China and just knew our child was there too. It's still difficult to be around pregnant people. I won't lie! But it's not the need to have a biological child that makes it hard. It's those moments in pregnancy that I wish I could share with Maya that make me a bit sad. Through the waiting I've learned that love is not acquired through biology. Love grows in the heart. But we have to open our hearts to the possibilites first. I'm sure glad we did. But it doesn't make the waiting any easier or the holidays any less blue.
It is amazing how the waiting can prompt so many different emotions and actions. I'm currently not getting much sleep....feeling like I'm on a caffeine rush but reality tells me it's anxiety. Panic and excitement all rolled into one.
I've had an annoying eye twitch that comes and goes. It lasted for 3 weeks the first time around. Being a dental hygienist this puts me in quite the predicament. All my patients think I'm winking at them because I tend to blink my eye when it starts twitching. Lets just say this is provoking a lot of strange looks.
The holidays seem especially difficult. I really have no desire to decorate for Christmas. I just feel weird celebrating the holiday when our little Maya is somewhere out there without us. It doesn't feel right. And to make things worse things seem to be slowing a bit in the China adoption process. No one really knows why....just that it seems to be gradually taking longer. Imagine being pregnant for 9 months and then your doctor tells you it could be another 5 months. That's how I feel. Very discouraging!
When I tell people this I often get comments like "why don't you just adopt a baby in the states?" For those who aren't going through the adoption process I can only tell you that our hearts picked China. Not our minds. This time last year I was grieving over my inabilites to get pregnant. But then I met a little girl from China and just knew our child was there too. It's still difficult to be around pregnant people. I won't lie! But it's not the need to have a biological child that makes it hard. It's those moments in pregnancy that I wish I could share with Maya that make me a bit sad. Through the waiting I've learned that love is not acquired through biology. Love grows in the heart. But we have to open our hearts to the possibilites first. I'm sure glad we did. But it doesn't make the waiting any easier or the holidays any less blue.
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9:18 PM
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