Waiting and Wondering
Tonight I (Lori) had an emotional meltdown which has inspired me to write my first blog posting.
John and I were discussing attachment and bonding issues and how we might handle different situations. We expressed our hope that Maya is fortunate enough to be in foster care rather than an orphanage so that bonding with an individual is something she hopefully has experienced. Then the realization came that she might be laying in an orphanage crib alone without any stimulation. Just waiting to be fed so she can savor being held if only for a few minutes. I just broke down crying and have started again as I write this.
It is so weird to have such a strong love for a little person whose face I haven't even seen. I think some of our friends and family don't understand how emotional this is for John and I. Sometimes I'm amazed by how strong my feelings are. I feel like my emotions can't be validated because I don't have a physical picture of our daughter or have physical changes (like during pregnancy). It is frustrating to say the least. And if I get asked one more time by the Target clerk as I'm stocking up for Maya "Do you need a gift receipt with this purhcase?" I swear I'm going to grab the store PA and declare that "not all expectant mothers have a fat belly!" Of course the rational side of me knows the clerk is simply doing his or her job. I politely say "no thank you" but then have to mumble that my husband and I are adopting a baby in order to justify my purchase without the need for a gift receipt. As if the clerk really gives a hoot.....they just want to check me out and move on to the next person.
I feel what I imagine it is like being pregnant, only emotionally worse and for 15 months. At least in pregnancy I would feel as if our baby was protected by my body...I could feel her move or hiccup. I could listen to her heart beat. I would be comforted that she is safe in my womb.
Our baby IS out there and we just can't get to her. Who is comforting her? Is she tied to her crib? Is she getting enough to eat? Is someone holding her for more than an hour a day? The thoughts break my heart. The next 5 months until I see her face are going to be so hard. For now I can only wait and wonder.
Lori
John and I were discussing attachment and bonding issues and how we might handle different situations. We expressed our hope that Maya is fortunate enough to be in foster care rather than an orphanage so that bonding with an individual is something she hopefully has experienced. Then the realization came that she might be laying in an orphanage crib alone without any stimulation. Just waiting to be fed so she can savor being held if only for a few minutes. I just broke down crying and have started again as I write this.
It is so weird to have such a strong love for a little person whose face I haven't even seen. I think some of our friends and family don't understand how emotional this is for John and I. Sometimes I'm amazed by how strong my feelings are. I feel like my emotions can't be validated because I don't have a physical picture of our daughter or have physical changes (like during pregnancy). It is frustrating to say the least. And if I get asked one more time by the Target clerk as I'm stocking up for Maya "Do you need a gift receipt with this purhcase?" I swear I'm going to grab the store PA and declare that "not all expectant mothers have a fat belly!" Of course the rational side of me knows the clerk is simply doing his or her job. I politely say "no thank you" but then have to mumble that my husband and I are adopting a baby in order to justify my purchase without the need for a gift receipt. As if the clerk really gives a hoot.....they just want to check me out and move on to the next person.
I feel what I imagine it is like being pregnant, only emotionally worse and for 15 months. At least in pregnancy I would feel as if our baby was protected by my body...I could feel her move or hiccup. I could listen to her heart beat. I would be comforted that she is safe in my womb.
Our baby IS out there and we just can't get to her. Who is comforting her? Is she tied to her crib? Is she getting enough to eat? Is someone holding her for more than an hour a day? The thoughts break my heart. The next 5 months until I see her face are going to be so hard. For now I can only wait and wonder.
Lori
posted by at
10:12 PM
3 Comments:
Hello
I linked to your log from the chinaadoptionforums.com boards. I know EXACTLY how you feel...and you explained a great deal more than I could have. All of a sudden this child becomes our world, it's amazing.
Know that there ARE people who care, who understand and know what you're going through. I had my first big emotional breakdown after watching the China's Lost Girls DVD. Wow, it was so so hard to think of her lying in a crib alone somewhere.
Take care
Maryann
http://www.adoptiontrail.com
By
The Brat Pack, at 11:00 PM
Wow! You managed to capture my thoughts and feelings as my husband and I wait for our blessed Karsynn who, too, is out there somewhere. Please know that your feelings and emotions are valid. We don't have the luxury of feeling our baby move in our womb, but we are afforded the luxury of knowing her in our hearts, and that is just as deep. It is so strange to love someone so intensely whom you don't even know. When we speak of Karsynn, it is as if we've known her a lifetime, and we have in a sense. She was born in our hearts many years ago, and hopefully, she'll be placed in our arms very soon. Maya is a very lucky little girl, but you, too, are just as lucky. God will bless you with the perfect child, the one who was born in your hearts long ago.
By
Karsynn's Mommy...Sammi, at 9:49 AM
Your story about the Target clerk sounds slightly familar. I teach and we were talking about the life expectancy difference between women and men and the factors involved. One of my very sweet, wouldn't upset me for the world, girls blurts out "women go through child birth so they are tougher". I stood for a minute and changed the subject but it stuck with me. WE are pregnant!! I have often thought of putting a pillow under my shirt and waddling through the stores or parking in the Expectant Mommy parking!! Then I remember:: it will be my turn soon enough!! Hang in there!!
By
Kristi and John, at 4:05 PM
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