We're A-Okay with China

Well last week we officially were approved by the Chinese government to adopt a baby from China. Really just a formality to many, but one more milestone passed. I've actually come across a few families on the many forums I belong to that have been denied during this step. I can't imagine the heartbreak of waiting 13+ months only to be told that China doesn't feel you would be an acceptable parent to adopt. So needless to say I'm feeling very relieved. Now our paperwork will be sent to the matching room where we will be matched with our child or children. Unfortunately there is a huge backlog in the matching room so it is now looking like we will not be in China until mid or late summer. We are at 14 months currently since we started this process so summer seems so very far away. Sigh!!!!!!!

There is a special saying common among China adoptive families which is thought to be an ancient Chinese belief. It states that "An invisible red thread connects those destined to be together regardless of time or circumstance. It may tangle or stretch but will never break." It is this belief that keeps me going. I do think we are destined to be with a certain little someone and when the time is ready our red thread will shorten and we will be together. I just hope it is soon!

When I've mentioned to a couple of people that we won't be traveling to China until summer I've received the response "great summer is just around the corner." Ugghhh I know they mean well but for us this wait is an eternity. People forget the few years leading up to this point that we spent undergoing fertility treatment. To them it may seem just around the corner but for us it seems like it will never happen. I've gone through several entire pregnancies with friends during this process. It is difficult to lack physical change to gauge progress like couples have during pregnancy. We have our paper milestones but somehow it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your "paper pregnant." There are so many uncertainties at this point.

Last week I had a Chinese patient who brought her 4 month old baby in. She was so beautiful. I wondered if Maya would have the same shaped eyes or wispy hair. I have to admit that it made me a bit sad. I wondered if Maya is the same age right now. I grieved a little for all the days that we will miss in her life. Her own little milestones accomplished without us. And the tears that we are unable to wipe away. It is very unfair.

This wait has really turned me into an anxiety ridden hypochondriac too. I keep worrying that something will happen before I ever get the chance to hold our little Maya. There is this little nagging question in the back of my head with each delay that says "maybe I'm not meant to be a mom!" Is the universe trying to tell me something? Of course the logical side of me says "What are you crazy? You've waited 40 years to be a mom!" It is strange how the brain plays tricks on you when your stressed. I recently had a dream that John and I went to China to get our child. When we got there we were given 3 teenage boys and a golden retriever. None of them were Chinese! We would have to dig deep into my psyche to figure that one out!

For now I just try and pass the time. I start Mandarin Chinese classes next week. Although our child may be from a Cantonese province which would not help with communicating but it gives me something to do right now. I currently work 46 hours and commute 3.5 hours each week (all which will change when Maya gets here). And yet I find I must still fill the open hours with things to make the days and weeks go faster. I wish I could hibernate and wake up when the time is ready. How lucky bears are.